Friday, April 13, 2012

to judge a man is to assume but to know his heart is to love


there he is again. that man on the corner. everyday he stands there begging to wash your windows just to make a few cents. as you pull up closer to him you look down at your radio, pretending to change the station. you would do anything just to avoid eye contact. its easier that way, isn't it? to avoid it, even though he knows that you see him. if you don't make eye contact you don't have to see the pain that hides behind his eyes and that for you is much easier. you know you should role down your window, but its easier not to. to go on with your busy day having no recollection of the stand still moment you had earlier with a complete stranger.
there he is again. sitting next to the gas station. his cloths are covered with dirt and he hasn't showerd in months. he sits and smokes his cigarette with a brown bag next to him. as you walk by he says God bless. nothing more or nothing less and to you this seems odd. it simple holds no meaning because what does this bum know about God. you say, u too but you don't mean it and you walk in and out of the store and continue your busy day.
behind your desk, he walks in. he simply needs health insurance but you deny him. you see his tattoos and piercings and you assume. as he begins to tell you his story you see his rotting teeth and your mind goes to a different place, no longer listening to anything he is telling you. you tell him your sorry you can't help him but your really not. and as he walks away you think negative thoughts because of the assumptions you have made by nearly looking at him.

ASSUME: to take for granted or with out proof.

that is what you do. its easy to just assume that all people are alike. that this man is the way he is because he is choosing it. we all have the right to choice the life we live after all, right? so you don't feel sorry and you don't even really care. You have your problems too, we all do. so you keep to your self and you live a life of assumptions.

the sad thing is, is that this is how most peoples lives are. they assume and don't care to know anything more or anything less. the truth is, is that man you drove passed just lost his wife of 10 years and his 5 children are no longer a part of his life. he has nothing and is so broken inside that he doesn't know how to get out. his family won't help him and does not even care to know why he is the way that he is. every night he sleeps in an abandoned car and cries himself to sleep, wishing someone would just care enough to love him. but no body does. they are all so busy with themselves they have abandoned their own blood.       if you were to open his wallet you wouldn't find any money or credit cards, only a simple note with the name of his mother and her number on the front and on the other side the words, I am sorry, I love you. a note to be found just incase he was found dead. but you would never know any of that because for you it was uncomfortable to sit next down next to him and have a conversation. you assumed and went about your busy day. when he said God bless, he really meant it. a graduate of teen challenge, he took his daughter to church when she was a child, giving her the foundation she needed to be different. he knew who God was and knew that because of his father he was still alive today. Isaiah 26:3 was the verse that carried him through his hard times. "You will keep in peace, those whose minds are steadfast; because they trust in you." unlike you he really wants God to bless you, even though he is the one who so badly needs the blessing. the second you layer eyes on him that day in the insurance office, you had decided this man was worthless and didn't deserve insurance. what you didn't know is that that man is dying. He has cancer and no money. I bet you didn't know that this man was clean for 3 years before this, even helped his daughter get through college and his mother as she endured painful surgeries and stayed by her side for months while she was hospitalized. that is why he had no job.  he was a great example to those in his 12 step group, and was an even better friend. Giving is to small of a word to describe this mans heart. sacrifice is more like it. a kind and gentle heart this man loved with everything in him. but you wouldn't that, would you? yes like every other human he has his flaws, but unlike most he is aware of them and works on becoming a better person everyday. despite the ridicule and pain he has endured he still chooses to love. but you do not see that. when you look at him you are afraid, you would never hug someone like that. those hugs are some of the greatest hugs I have ever received. despite his brokeness, he loves anyways. hurt by many he still longs for relationship. he's human. he needs to be loved too. he laughs even though he has more to cry about than he does to smile about and he faces everyday with a positive attitude, thanking God for one more day, one more chance to be better. I thank God too.
 missing my father as a child, i didn't understand the struggles of the world. addiction is not a choice it is a sickness, it destroys your concept of reality and prevents you from making right decisions. he may have choose the drug but didn't choose to be trapped in a life of sickness. thats okay because through the King this man has been set free. To let go of this past that entangles him and just be free. to love those in his life and to make the best out of each day. I am thankful for my King. for the grace and mercy he pours out upon the lost and broken.  a steadfast mind, focused on God, that man has been given peace that passes all understanding. to know who he belongs to is more satisfying than knowing that he will wake up tomorrow.


We have all been given a story. We've lived lives that most people would never know about unless they listened. The power of a story can change more than just a perception, it can change the world. so next time you see that man will listen to his story, or will you assume and just walk on by? My hope and prayer is that you will stop. give people a chance to tell you their story because you never know, it could forever change yours.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Who am I?




Who am i? A question that I ask my self. Not who I was because I know that answer and not who I will
be because that is something I have yet to see, but who am I? in this moment, at this time. taking off the blind fold and revealing myself to myself. I wish I could see myself from someone else's view but I can't. so i am stuck searching and digging and trying to find this person that I call me. You see, I know who I once was and that has contributed to what you see, but that girl I once was ins't me, isn't who I want to be. Broken and scared that girl would so just about anything so someone would care. love is what she longed for but more broken is what she became. Misguided and mislead by the ways of the world that girl got lost. so lost that who she was didn't matter anymore because people saw her for who they wanted her to be. An item and an object is what she became but not by boys as though you might think, but by the ones who were supposed to love her the most, her parents. And this part of her life shaped the woman that she thought she would be, until she came across a love that was so deep. So real she could not ignore it, so alive she had to enforce it. This love was real, everlasting. Something she never thought she would feel and this man that gave this to her wasn't a man at all. He was her savior, her King and it was in him that she found who she was suppose to be. That scared, lost little girl  is not the woman God intended me to be. FREE is what he had for me! so now when i ask this question I may not know the whole answer but what I do know is that who I am is centered in who he was. He lives in me, and me for him. so who am I? I am a child of God. A beautiful daughter of the king. And I am free because I am his, and that is all I want to be.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Rejected with a purpose

Confusion. misguided.
Jesus lived a life of suffering. he went through pain yet he endured life with patients and an indescribable love. he was rejected and cursed. people constantly gossiped about him. I cannot imagine the things he felt inside. REJECTION. the single most worst feeling. this is something that everyone is capable of feeling and this feeling tears your self worth apart. why is it that we as humans long so badly to be accepted? and how did Jesus go through a life of rejection and still love and trust?

I know that when I begin to feel the pain of rejection I instantly put a wall up. My self worth becomes non existent and my mind begins to play tricks on me. I go from thinking I am a burden to believing I am unlovable. that no one in their right mind would ever truly want to have a relationship with me. I begin to feel unworthy of friendship, of relationships, of companionship. Not good enough doesn't even begin to describe the image I see of myself. The wall is up and there is nothing I can do to take it down. I become numb, having no desire to invest in relationship. My mind tells me, if I am unlovable then I do not want to waste my time giving my love away.

REJECTION = PAIN.

Pain from feeling worthless. How did Jesus go through his life feeling this pain without feeling worthless?
He had a purpose. Did he know his purpose? or did he choose to suffer because he knew God was in control and that whatever his purpose was it was worth the pain and suffering.

TRUST.

God has a purpose for my life but one question remains. Why must we endure pain? Why must we suffer?

Fear consumes me and I struggle and fight against this constant feeling of rejection. Tired of feeling insignificant in relationships. I long to be wanted. To really feel love and not for any specific reason. Not for what I have to offer or because of what I give. A desire to be consumed in love because of who I am. to tear down this wall that rejection has put up and to be able to invest in relationships.

God designed us for relationships.
Selfless, loving, relationships.

EQUAL.

That is how it is suppose to be. The elimination is something I can only dream of. My desire is to live as Jesus did, To endure life knowing I have a purpose, even if i do not know what that purpose is. To LOVE because Christ loves me. To be bold and stare rejection in the face knowing that I belong to the King of the universe. to take my pain and turn it into joy. to suffer for the things I believe in. To build lasting relationships with no expectations and to accept that no one is perfect but I AM worthy of friendship.

Rejection = pain = trust = worthy = purpose

LIVE A LIFE OF PURPOSE








the next step


The next step. Three words that I have playing over and over in my head. I ask myself, what is that next step. Am I supposed to know? Should I have a plan? My next step is a step into the unknown. Into the light of accomplishment and success but into the dark of the unknown. Possibilities or dead ends. Opportunities or closed doors. I cannot see what lies before so I must trust what lies within. Blind folded to what may come I must take hold of my saviors hand, for he is my tour guide of life. This path or that path, my mind races with decisions. My choice is not a direction, yet a choice. Today I my life belongs to the Lord. Where the Lord takes me is his choice, he leads and I will follow. With no plans and a blind-fold enabling my sight, I step forward, not into the dark, but into the light. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Dead or Alive: How do you know?


What does it mean to feel alive? As I spin in circles, splashing in the waves, I notice peoples
eyes watching. For them I am childish, for me I am alive. To breath is some thing we take for
granted. Without effort, we breathe and while this is a sign of life, for most it does not give the feeling of being alive. We see life arise all around us and yet for most this does not create a feeling of liveliness. We touch the earth, which has been alive for centuries and still cannot grasp this concept of life. We hear stories of birth and rebirth but hearing with out seeing only leaves thoughts in our minds of what life is. The moment I felt alive was the moment I felt him. Overwhelmed with the spirit, I felt alive for the first time. Breathe, he told me. And as I took that breath I felt alive in a way I never thought possibly. Dead to the world, I was now alive in him. Breath has a new meaning to me. So does sight, taste, touch, hearing, and smelling. As I stand in the ocean I see a beautiful master piece, I feel rejuvenated as the water hits my legs, I smell sea salt as the wind blows off the top of the water. The salty air sticks to my lip gloss and leaves a lingering taste of the sea. I hear the waves crashing on the sand and I breath because I know what it feels like to be alive.