Tired

I'm tired

Not tired in the sense of sleep although I do have a 9 month old so I am exhausted 

But I am tired of spending my days living in my head thinking I need to be more than I am

I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough

Being a new mom and living in Orange County I feel a pressure like I have never felt before

The pressure to look like I did when I was 19. 

The pressure to wear the nicest cloths

The pressure to wear a full face of make up and curl my hair everyday 

Because u see while of coarse I enjoy looking nice and being in shape that isn't what this life is about

And I'm tired, tired of this pressure consuming my thoughts, damaging my soul, and corrupting my self worth

I'm tired of living in fear.

Fear of death

Fear of unworthiness 

Fear of failure 

I'm tired of believing satans lies and letting those lies cripple me

I'm tired of the distractions

You know the ones that come in the shape of a glowing box, a plastic card, or pictures on a screen. 

The ones that fill your day with emptiness but some how u feel a longing to do them because just maybe if you get enough likes you will feel a sense of worthiness 

Gosh I am tired of trying to "Keep up with the Joneses".

The noise of this world is deafening. It keeps me so distracted that I hardly find time to be still. Honestly it prevents me from having deep thoughts at all or even complete thoughts for that matter. And I'm tired of it. 

 God has so much more for me and I'm so tired of missing out because I let this world control me

I long to be worthy in my Fathers eyes, to be at peace with all that he has made me to be.

I long to be in his presence and be fulfilled by his promises not the worlds

I long to have joy, the kind joy that fills my soul with satisfaction and true happiness 

You see I have realized that it may be a constant battle for the rest of my life to fight the distractions of this life but I will not stop fighting and I will have victory 

 Because I know that what my father has for me is far greater than anything this world can offer.

So today I choose to be tired for different reasons

I will be tired from the battle to live in the truth

I will be tired from never forgetting that I am worthy, I am a daughter of the king

I will be tired from fighting the anger that lives with in me

I will be tired from teaching my daughter what true beauty is

But I will find rest in my King, I will be restored in his presence, I will be made whole from his love. 

inspired. loved.

my soul longs for you. i desire to embark in this journey called life with you. to touch not only your hand but to touch your heart. i search the deepest seas to find this love that i will never let go of. you are the man in my dreams. you are the man i feel, although we have not met. your passion aligns with mine and together we will live our lives fulfilling it. your love for God is evident in the way you speak, worship, and serve those around you. like me, your life is not your own. your words do not belong to you. you live, unlike most, solely for him. the King. and together we will be a living example of his sacrifice, of his love. we have chosen each other. we have chosen to sacrifice the life of singleness to pursue a life of service. we will first serve our Father, then each other, and then we will serve the world in which God has placed us. no matter where life might take us. our love for our father, our reliance on him, will inspire our love for each other. each new day i am given i will chose you. because i do not believe in fairytales, i believe in a gift. God has shown me a love that has no boundaries and knows no end, that is how i will love you. boundlessly and endlessly. i will pray for you. i will seek you. i will walk along side you. i will never give up on you. pure joy is what comes from a love such as this. for love is the greatest gift of all. it hurts the most yet is the most rewarding and together we will endure it all. i am in awe of the man i know that the Lord has for me. as my heart continues to seek the Lord and only him, i am patient. i promise to not arise this love before it is to be awakened. God's provision in my life has been so very evident, my soul longs for his will to be done. My father is my first love and will be forever the first. because of the agape love he has poured into me, he has filled my heart abundantly with love for you. i long to fill your life with this love. my soul longs for you.

Rebecca Ann Hardin: From Ashes to Beauty

4 years. it has been 4 years since i moved out of my home and out on my own. i left behind a life that held me back from being the woman that God intended me to be. while this was an answer to a life long prayer it wasn't the year i thought it would be. 4 years ago on october 8th at 11:45 pm I sat by her side as her body rapidly shut down. as i held her hand and sang hymns to her, i saw a soul that was completely alive trapped in a body that was quickly dying. i never knew that i could feel so much pain. all of my childhood i begged God to change my circumstances. I was mentally abused to the point of having no self-esteem and at times no hope of getting out.  I thought the day I moved into my dorm I had been freed from what I thought was pain. Until that moment i held my 15 year old brother in my arms on the hospital floor as we watch our mother go, I had no idea what pain was. I try and imagine how God feels when he sees this. He watched my mom suffer for years, battling with depression. He was there when she found out she was dying yet told no one, because she felt that no one would care. knowing the pain my mom endured during her time here hurts more then knowing she is no longer here. So today I sit here. my heart is full of sorrow for two reasons. one because I miss my mom more then words can describe and two because i cannot imagine how many others spend their time here on earth suffering from the negative decisions they have chosen to make or from just the simple depression that tends to come with this life here on earth. not pursuing the Lord daily is an open invitation to walk alone in the struggles the world throws at us. I am thankful for a few things as I sit and ponder the pain I feel today. My mother is no longer suffering, she is whole, beautiful, and gets to experience a peace I cannot wait to be embraced in. I am also thankful for knowing my father. The Lord of all creation, who walks side by side with me, as I endure the suffering this world throws upon me while I go through my journey here. They say it gets easier but so far i do not agree. I have found that the pain is still the same,  I have just learned ways to deal with it and have began to find the joy in something that brings pain but also brings beauty. Here is a poem that I wrote one year after my mother passed ( If I could go back).

If I could go back
i put on this smile so that no one will care 
but the truth is inside i am well aware
of all the pain that dwells and all the tears that fall.

i cant beleive its true
no matter how bad i want it, i cannot be with you
it hurts my heart so bad
to know of all the good times we could have had
smiles instead of tears and
laughter instead of fights
if i could do it over i think that i just might

id love you unconditionally
and tell you everyday
id ask about your life and listen to every word ud say
id share my life with you in hopes of great advice
if i could go back i think that i just might

i look back at the tears i made u cry, for now they are mine
i look at all the times i could have made u smile
but instead made u hurt and my heart fills with great sorrow.

The memories we could have had and the times we could have shared
all fill my mind now leaving my heart in great despair

i wish i would have known just who you really were 
but your gone now and most of our memories together are just a fading blur

a fading blur, with little light, not a single star in all the night.
if i could do it over i think that i just might

i wish i would have taken the time to really see
all the things you were so that i would have known all the you in me

i know that you loved me and that i loved you too
but knowing that truth, i am still lost with out you.

i know i cant go back and that youre were ur suppose to be
but i hope you hear my cry and the truth in my heart i hope you see.

Poverty

When you hear the word you automatically assume. You have this vision of what this type of person will look like, what he will act like, and even the things he might say. You picture a dirty old man or a child with no shoes. A house that is run down or a car that is barely running. People lined up at the soup kitchen looking for a warm meal or a family as they lay their head down at night, not on a pillow but on the ground beneath them. POVERTY. These are the images that you envision when you hear this word. As I look around me, sitting in a coffee shop in Newport beach, I do not see what YOU might call poverty but I see a poverty that is much deeper and heart breaking. STUFF. It consumes the human race and as I look around me I see a race that is completely wrapped up in what they have and what they do not have. This is poverty. You may be thinking, well what do you mean that is poverty? These people have everything they could ever want? They are not hungry, they have shelter, how are they poor? As look around I see eyes full of emptiness. I hear silence as people sit alone aimlessly zoned into whatever gadget they have lying before them. Friendly is not a word I think these people have heard. I over hear conversations between teenage girls and my heart aces. As C.S. Lewis would say, they are men without chests. That is what I mean when I say I see poverty. You see the world has tricked you into thinking that only those without stuff are poor. But the poor that I see in these people is far greater then the obvious “poor”. They are lost, living outside of any moral code. Maybe they know of love but you do not see love when you look into their eyes. A kind word would be asking far too much from them because after all they are “busy”. To sit and have a conversation with someone you do not know would be considered weird, so forget about sharing what is going on in your life and making a new friend. It is simply heart breaking. That people have become so consumed with stuff that they are too “busy” for real deep relationship. They work, not because they love what they do but mostly because they need money so they can have more stuff. The purpose in life is to discover your gift. The meaning of life is to give that gift away. Nowhere in that, the purpose or meaning, does it say work a lot so you can have “stuff”. Relationships flourish when someone is living their life to give away their gift but they wither away when you keep your gift to yourself. I am not saying that all people with stuff are poor in spirit or that all of those with out are full of love but what I am saying is that poverty is much more then the one definition the world gives it. Poverty of the soul is far greater than poverty of stuff. So choose to be rich in the spirit. To love all those who enter your life and those you come in contact with each day. Build relationships, even if with complete strangers. Take the time to invest in those around you instead of the next biggest stock. When you pass from this life to the next you cannot take your stuff or job with you but the love you leave behind will always remain. 

Pure Joy

It doesn't come from the new shoes I just bought or all of the cloths in my closet. It doesn't even come from all of the amazing friends I have or my wonderful family. The warmth of my favorite cup of coffee as it hits my lips or gazing out of the window as I sit at my favorite coffee shop. The rain hits the sidewalk. simplicity. a form of happiness comes from these things.  of coarse laughter, as well as wonderful memories. and I would even say, that yes, some joy comes from those you love. the important thing to know is that these things can only bring you a certain level of happiness. a level that will sometimes disappoint, sometimes anger you, and sometimes leave you empty. these things can only add to the joy that you possess inside of you, they cannot BE the joy that is within you. like mostly everything in this fallen world,  joy to can be taken from you. we lose loved ones,  jobs, we are hurt, and left heart broken. the world tries to steal what the world has given you. If you rely on the world as your source of happiness there is no doubt that you will be left dry and hallow. the amazing thing is, is that there is a source of joy that will never leave your heart. It doesn't come from "stuff" or even others in your life, it comes from him. The one who created you. The King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. This joy that he gives is the purest of joys. It is the only joy that will sustain your happiness. makes you giggle for no reason other then simply knowing you belong to him. gives you a hope that pushes you to take one more step forward when the world is caving in on you. this joy allows you to love deeper. it allows you to forgive and let go of the baggage the world has cast onto your shoulders. this joy that God gives us is something we must seek after. it is something we must desperately long for. in a world of devastation and hurt, it is crucial to fight for this joy. once we have it we MUST share it. happiness is only a feeling. it can be momentarily. but the joy of the Lord lives within your soul. seek it, capture it, and share it. allow his joy to fulfill you in a way you have never been fulfilled and let the world know where your smile comes from. from the knowing that your heart is full of him. you will never be disappointed.

allow this joy this live within. once you have it find joy in the little things around you. for me I find joy in being in a place of poverty and brokenness yet being surrounded by people who love harder then most. in having a job where i get to watch and encourage spiritual growth. in the laughter of a child who has nothing but the love of his family. he smiles the purest smile and laughs the most beautiful laugh. i find joy in knowing that while i may not have a lot I can still give to those around me. I can love everyone in my life with a deep passionate love. I find joy in the fact that I have no bitterness and carry no baggage because my father carries it for me. I find joy in knowing that I am never alone for my creator walks hand in hand with me as I go through this journey of life. 

Agape

love is patient and kind. love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. it does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and enduresevery circumstance.
1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7

This is real love. The way that God loves us. Its Agape. Never failing, never judging, never ending unconditional love. This is the love that we should all strive for. yes we are human and we will never be perfect, but its the journey in finding this love that is important. We want what makes us feel good for the moment, even if we know it will not satisfy our real needs and it is settling for that moment of happiness that ultimatley clouds our perspective of real love. We lose sight of the love that God intended us to have because we want to feel important and we want to be comforted by someone else. Everyone wants to be wanted and in this process of being wanted we make excuses and alter the meaning and real defintion of Love. AGAPE LOVE. Do not settle for the moment, strive for everlasting love. The kind of love God gives us ♥ 

deeper than beauty

A day in the life of a girl, who on the surface looks like she’s got it all together.

People assume her life is great, after all they find her beautiful.

That’s the thing about looking at only the surface of things, beauty is deceiving.

One looks at a beautiful mountain and stands in awe of its greatness

Because on the surface it is captivating.

But if you were to visit that mountain, spend some time on that mountain

You see the huge fault that lays at its foundation.

From the surface, yes this mountain is beautiful.

It is strong and full of life

But underneath its foundation waits for the earth to shift,

moving the plates and creating destruction.

You see while this mountain is beautiful, it is broken.

Just as that mountain, is the girl.

When you see a beautiful girl, don’t assume she that has it all together

Because you never know the brokenness that her beauty hides.