4 years. it has been 4 years since i moved out of my home and out on my own. i left behind a life that held me back from being the woman that God intended me to be. while this was an answer to a life long prayer it wasn't the year i thought it would be. 4 years ago on october 8th at 11:45 pm I sat by her side as her body rapidly shut down. as i held her hand and sang hymns to her, i saw a soul that was completely alive trapped in a body that was quickly dying. i never knew that i could feel so much pain. all of my childhood i begged God to change my circumstances. I was mentally abused to the point of having no self-esteem and at times no hope of getting out. I thought the day I moved into my dorm I had been freed from what I thought was pain. Until that moment i held my 15 year old brother in my arms on the hospital floor as we watch our mother go, I had no idea what pain was. I try and imagine how God feels when he sees this. He watched my mom suffer for years, battling with depression. He was there when she found out she was dying yet told no one, because she felt that no one would care. knowing the pain my mom endured during her time here hurts more then knowing she is no longer here. So today I sit here. my heart is full of sorrow for two reasons. one because I miss my mom more then words can describe and two because i cannot imagine how many others spend their time here on earth suffering from the negative decisions they have chosen to make or from just the simple depression that tends to come with this life here on earth. not pursuing the Lord daily is an open invitation to walk alone in the struggles the world throws at us. I am thankful for a few things as I sit and ponder the pain I feel today. My mother is no longer suffering, she is whole, beautiful, and gets to experience a peace I cannot wait to be embraced in. I am also thankful for knowing my father. The Lord of all creation, who walks side by side with me, as I endure the suffering this world throws upon me while I go through my journey here. They say it gets easier but so far i do not agree. I have found that the pain is still the same, I have just learned ways to deal with it and have began to find the joy in something that brings pain but also brings beauty. Here is a poem that I wrote one year after my mother passed ( If I could go back).
i put on this smile so that no one will care
but the truth is inside i am well aware
of all the pain that dwells and all the tears that fall.
i cant beleive its true
no matter how bad i want it, i cannot be with you
it hurts my heart so bad
to know of all the good times we could have had
smiles instead of tears and
laughter instead of fights
if i could do it over i think that i just might
id love you unconditionally
and tell you everyday
id ask about your life and listen to every word ud say
id share my life with you in hopes of great advice
if i could go back i think that i just might
i look back at the tears i made u cry, for now they are mine
i look at all the times i could have made u smile
but instead made u hurt and my heart fills with great sorrow.
The memories we could have had and the times we could have shared
all fill my mind now leaving my heart in great despair
i wish i would have known just who you really were
but your gone now and most of our memories together are just a fading blur
a fading blur, with little light, not a single star in all the night.
if i could do it over i think that i just might
i wish i would have taken the time to really see
all the things you were so that i would have known all the you in me
i know that you loved me and that i loved you too
but knowing that truth, i am still lost with out you.
i know i cant go back and that youre were ur suppose to be
but i hope you hear my cry and the truth in my heart i hope you see.
