Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
4 years. it has been 4 years since i moved out of my home and out on my own. i left behind a life that held me back from being the woman that God intended me to be. while this was an answer to a life long prayer it wasn't the year i thought it would be. 4 years ago on october 8th at 11:45 pm I sat by her side as her body rapidly shut down. as i held her hand and sang hymns to her, i saw a soul that was completely alive trapped in a body that was quickly dying. i never knew that i could feel so much pain. all of my childhood i begged God to change my circumstances. I was mentally abused to the point of having no self-esteem and at times no hope of getting out. I thought the day I moved into my dorm I had been freed from what I thought was pain. Until that moment i held my 15 year old brother in my arms on the hospital floor as we watch our mother go, I had no idea what pain was. I try and imagine how God feels when he sees this. He watched my mom suffer for years, battling with depression. He was there when she found out she was dying yet told no one, because she felt that no one would care. knowing the pain my mom endured during her time here hurts more then knowing she is no longer here. So today I sit here. my heart is full of sorrow for two reasons. one because I miss my mom more then words can describe and two because i cannot imagine how many others spend their time here on earth suffering from the negative decisions they have chosen to make or from just the simple depression that tends to come with this life here on earth. not pursuing the Lord daily is an open invitation to walk alone in the struggles the world throws at us. I am thankful for a few things as I sit and ponder the pain I feel today. My mother is no longer suffering, she is whole, beautiful, and gets to experience a peace I cannot wait to be embraced in. I am also thankful for knowing my father. The Lord of all creation, who walks side by side with me, as I endure the suffering this world throws upon me while I go through my journey here. They say it gets easier but so far i do not agree. I have found that the pain is still the same, I have just learned ways to deal with it and have began to find the joy in something that brings pain but also brings beauty. Here is a poem that I wrote one year after my mother passed ( If I could go back).
i put on this smile so that no one will care
but the truth is inside i am well aware
of all the pain that dwells and all the tears that fall.
i cant beleive its true
no matter how bad i want it, i cannot be with you
it hurts my heart so bad
to know of all the good times we could have had
smiles instead of tears and
laughter instead of fights
if i could do it over i think that i just might
id love you unconditionally
and tell you everyday
id ask about your life and listen to every word ud say
id share my life with you in hopes of great advice
if i could go back i think that i just might
i look back at the tears i made u cry, for now they are mine
i look at all the times i could have made u smile
but instead made u hurt and my heart fills with great sorrow.
The memories we could have had and the times we could have shared
all fill my mind now leaving my heart in great despair
i wish i would have known just who you really were
but your gone now and most of our memories together are just a fading blur
a fading blur, with little light, not a single star in all the night.
if i could do it over i think that i just might
i wish i would have taken the time to really see
all the things you were so that i would have known all the you in me
i know that you loved me and that i loved you too
but knowing that truth, i am still lost with out you.
i know i cant go back and that youre were ur suppose to be
but i hope you hear my cry and the truth in my heart i hope you see.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
When you hear the word you automatically assume. You have this vision of what this type of person will look like, what he will act like, and even the things he might say. You picture a dirty old man or a child with no shoes. A house that is run down or a car that is barely running. People lined up at the soup kitchen looking for a warm meal or a family as they lay their head down at night, not on a pillow but on the ground beneath them. POVERTY. These are the images that you envision when you hear this word. As I look around me, sitting in a coffee shop in Newport beach, I do not see what YOU might call poverty but I see a poverty that is much deeper and heart breaking. STUFF. It consumes the human race and as I look around me I see a race that is completely wrapped up in what they have and what they do not have. This is poverty. You may be thinking, well what do you mean that is poverty? These people have everything they could ever want? They are not hungry, they have shelter, how are they poor? As look around I see eyes full of emptiness. I hear silence as people sit alone aimlessly zoned into whatever gadget they have lying before them. Friendly is not a word I think these people have heard. I over hear conversations between teenage girls and my heart aces. As C.S. Lewis would say, they are men without chests. That is what I mean when I say I see poverty. You see the world has tricked you into thinking that only those without stuff are poor. But the poor that I see in these people is far greater then the obvious “poor”. They are lost, living outside of any moral code. Maybe they know of love but you do not see love when you look into their eyes. A kind word would be asking far too much from them because after all they are “busy”. To sit and have a conversation with someone you do not know would be considered weird, so forget about sharing what is going on in your life and making a new friend. It is simply heart breaking. That people have become so consumed with stuff that they are too “busy” for real deep relationship. They work, not because they love what they do but mostly because they need money so they can have more stuff. The purpose in life is to discover your gift. The meaning of life is to give that gift away. Nowhere in that, the purpose or meaning, does it say work a lot so you can have “stuff”. Relationships flourish when someone is living their life to give away their gift but they wither away when you keep your gift to yourself. I am not saying that all people with stuff are poor in spirit or that all of those with out are full of love but what I am saying is that poverty is much more then the one definition the world gives it. Poverty of the soul is far greater than poverty of stuff. So choose to be rich in the spirit. To love all those who enter your life and those you come in contact with each day. Build relationships, even if with complete strangers. Take the time to invest in those around you instead of the next biggest stock. When you pass from this life to the next you cannot take your stuff or job with you but the love you leave behind will always remain.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
allow this joy this live within. once you have it find joy in the little things around you. for me I find joy in being in a place of poverty and brokenness yet being surrounded by people who love harder then most. in having a job where i get to watch and encourage spiritual growth. in the laughter of a child who has nothing but the love of his family. he smiles the purest smile and laughs the most beautiful laugh. i find joy in knowing that while i may not have a lot I can still give to those around me. I can love everyone in my life with a deep passionate love. I find joy in the fact that I have no bitterness and carry no baggage because my father carries it for me. I find joy in knowing that I am never alone for my creator walks hand in hand with me as I go through this journey of life.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7
This is real love. The way that God loves us. Its Agape. Never failing, never judging, never ending unconditional love. This is the love that we should all strive for. yes we are human and we will never be perfect, but its the journey in finding this love that is important. We want what makes us feel good for the moment, even if we know it will not satisfy our real needs and it is settling for that moment of happiness that ultimatley clouds our perspective of real love. We lose sight of the love that God intended us to have because we want to feel important and we want to be comforted by someone else. Everyone wants to be wanted and in this process of being wanted we make excuses and alter the meaning and real defintion of Love. AGAPE LOVE. Do not settle for the moment, strive for everlasting love. The kind of love God gives us ♥
A day in the life of a girl, who on the surface looks like she’s got it all together.
People assume her life is great, after all they find her beautiful.
That’s the thing about looking at only the surface of things, beauty is deceiving.
One looks at a beautiful mountain and stands in awe of its greatness
Because on the surface it is captivating.
But if you were to visit that mountain, spend some time on that mountain
You see the huge fault that lays at its foundation.
From the surface, yes this mountain is beautiful.
It is strong and full of life
But underneath its foundation waits for the earth to shift,
moving the plates and creating destruction.
You see while this mountain is beautiful, it is broken.
Just as that mountain, is the girl.
When you see a beautiful girl, don’t assume she that has it all together
Because you never know the brokenness that her beauty hides.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Be inspired and inspire others. Believe in the world around you and believe in yourself. Serve every chance you get and do all of these things in LOVE.
Love what you are doing. Love those around you because LOVE is the GREATEST gift we have been given. Don't be afraid to give it away.
Inspire. Believe. Serve. & LOVE
Someone once told me that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why you were born. When you figure out why you were born choose to live for your purpose and for nothing else. Make your purpose GREAT.
Live your life in a forward motion. These things will bring more meaning to your life. A great life would naturally bring more meaning, purpose, love, laughter, wonder, and adventure to your days and at the end of your journey you will look back on a life of significance rather than a life of regret. Knowing in your heart that YOU left the world a better place then you found it. Knowing that you got something wonderful out of it and in return gave something WONDERFUL back. A great life is not something you experience, it is something you CREATE.
CREAT SOMETHING GREAT. SOMETHING WONDERFUL.