Saturday, March 3, 2018


I'm tired
Not tired in the sense of sleep although I do have a 9 month old so I am exhausted 
But I am tired of spending my days living in my head thinking I need to be more than I am
I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough
Being a new mom and living in Orange County I feel a pressure like I have never felt before
The pressure to look like I did when I was 19. 
The pressure to wear the nicest cloths
The pressure to wear a full face of make up and curl my hair everyday 

Because u see while of coarse I enjoy looking nice and being in shape that isn't what this life is about

And I'm tired, tired of this pressure consuming my thoughts, damaging my soul, and corrupting my self worth

I'm tired of living in fear.
Fear of death
Fear of unworthiness 
Fear of failure 
I'm tired of believing satans lies and letting those lies cripple me

I'm tired of the distractions
You know the ones that come in the shape of a glowing box, a plastic card, or pictures on a screen. 
The ones that fill your day with emptiness but some how u feel a longing to do them because just maybe if you get enough likes you will feel a sense of worthiness 
Gosh I am tired of trying to "Keep up with the Joneses".

The noise of this world is deafening. It keeps me so distracted that I hardly find time to be still. Honestly it prevents me from having deep thoughts at all or even complete thoughts for that matter. And I'm tired of it. 
 God has so much more for me and I'm so tired of missing out because I let this world control me

I long to be worthy in my Fathers eyes, to be at peace with all that he has made me to be.
I long to be in his presence and be fulfilled by his promises not the worlds
I long to have joy, the kind joy that fills my soul with satisfaction and true happiness 

You see I have realized that it may be a constant battle for the rest of my life to fight the distractions of this life but I will not stop fighting and I will have victory 
 Because I know that what my father has for me is far greater than anything this world can offer.

So today I choose to be tired for different reasons
I will be tired from the battle to live in the truth
I will be tired from never forgetting that I am worthy, I am a daughter of the king
I will be tired from fighting the anger that lives with in me
I will be tired from teaching my daughter what true beauty is

But I will find rest in my King, I will be restored in his presence, I will be made whole from his love. 

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