inspired. loved.

my soul longs for you. i desire to embark in this journey called life with you. to touch not only your hand but to touch your heart. i search the deepest seas to find this love that i will never let go of. you are the man in my dreams. you are the man i feel, although we have not met. your passion aligns with mine and together we will live our lives fulfilling it. your love for God is evident in the way you speak, worship, and serve those around you. like me, your life is not your own. your words do not belong to you. you live, unlike most, solely for him. the King. and together we will be a living example of his sacrifice, of his love. we have chosen each other. we have chosen to sacrifice the life of singleness to pursue a life of service. we will first serve our Father, then each other, and then we will serve the world in which God has placed us. no matter where life might take us. our love for our father, our reliance on him, will inspire our love for each other. each new day i am given i will chose you. because i do not believe in fairytales, i believe in a gift. God has shown me a love that has no boundaries and knows no end, that is how i will love you. boundlessly and endlessly. i will pray for you. i will seek you. i will walk along side you. i will never give up on you. pure joy is what comes from a love such as this. for love is the greatest gift of all. it hurts the most yet is the most rewarding and together we will endure it all. i am in awe of the man i know that the Lord has for me. as my heart continues to seek the Lord and only him, i am patient. i promise to not arise this love before it is to be awakened. God's provision in my life has been so very evident, my soul longs for his will to be done. My father is my first love and will be forever the first. because of the agape love he has poured into me, he has filled my heart abundantly with love for you. i long to fill your life with this love. my soul longs for you.

Rebecca Ann Hardin: From Ashes to Beauty

4 years. it has been 4 years since i moved out of my home and out on my own. i left behind a life that held me back from being the woman that God intended me to be. while this was an answer to a life long prayer it wasn't the year i thought it would be. 4 years ago on october 8th at 11:45 pm I sat by her side as her body rapidly shut down. as i held her hand and sang hymns to her, i saw a soul that was completely alive trapped in a body that was quickly dying. i never knew that i could feel so much pain. all of my childhood i begged God to change my circumstances. I was mentally abused to the point of having no self-esteem and at times no hope of getting out.  I thought the day I moved into my dorm I had been freed from what I thought was pain. Until that moment i held my 15 year old brother in my arms on the hospital floor as we watch our mother go, I had no idea what pain was. I try and imagine how God feels when he sees this. He watched my mom suffer for years, battling with depression. He was there when she found out she was dying yet told no one, because she felt that no one would care. knowing the pain my mom endured during her time here hurts more then knowing she is no longer here. So today I sit here. my heart is full of sorrow for two reasons. one because I miss my mom more then words can describe and two because i cannot imagine how many others spend their time here on earth suffering from the negative decisions they have chosen to make or from just the simple depression that tends to come with this life here on earth. not pursuing the Lord daily is an open invitation to walk alone in the struggles the world throws at us. I am thankful for a few things as I sit and ponder the pain I feel today. My mother is no longer suffering, she is whole, beautiful, and gets to experience a peace I cannot wait to be embraced in. I am also thankful for knowing my father. The Lord of all creation, who walks side by side with me, as I endure the suffering this world throws upon me while I go through my journey here. They say it gets easier but so far i do not agree. I have found that the pain is still the same,  I have just learned ways to deal with it and have began to find the joy in something that brings pain but also brings beauty. Here is a poem that I wrote one year after my mother passed ( If I could go back).

If I could go back
i put on this smile so that no one will care 
but the truth is inside i am well aware
of all the pain that dwells and all the tears that fall.

i cant beleive its true
no matter how bad i want it, i cannot be with you
it hurts my heart so bad
to know of all the good times we could have had
smiles instead of tears and
laughter instead of fights
if i could do it over i think that i just might

id love you unconditionally
and tell you everyday
id ask about your life and listen to every word ud say
id share my life with you in hopes of great advice
if i could go back i think that i just might

i look back at the tears i made u cry, for now they are mine
i look at all the times i could have made u smile
but instead made u hurt and my heart fills with great sorrow.

The memories we could have had and the times we could have shared
all fill my mind now leaving my heart in great despair

i wish i would have known just who you really were 
but your gone now and most of our memories together are just a fading blur

a fading blur, with little light, not a single star in all the night.
if i could do it over i think that i just might

i wish i would have taken the time to really see
all the things you were so that i would have known all the you in me

i know that you loved me and that i loved you too
but knowing that truth, i am still lost with out you.

i know i cant go back and that youre were ur suppose to be
but i hope you hear my cry and the truth in my heart i hope you see.

Poverty

When you hear the word you automatically assume. You have this vision of what this type of person will look like, what he will act like, and even the things he might say. You picture a dirty old man or a child with no shoes. A house that is run down or a car that is barely running. People lined up at the soup kitchen looking for a warm meal or a family as they lay their head down at night, not on a pillow but on the ground beneath them. POVERTY. These are the images that you envision when you hear this word. As I look around me, sitting in a coffee shop in Newport beach, I do not see what YOU might call poverty but I see a poverty that is much deeper and heart breaking. STUFF. It consumes the human race and as I look around me I see a race that is completely wrapped up in what they have and what they do not have. This is poverty. You may be thinking, well what do you mean that is poverty? These people have everything they could ever want? They are not hungry, they have shelter, how are they poor? As look around I see eyes full of emptiness. I hear silence as people sit alone aimlessly zoned into whatever gadget they have lying before them. Friendly is not a word I think these people have heard. I over hear conversations between teenage girls and my heart aces. As C.S. Lewis would say, they are men without chests. That is what I mean when I say I see poverty. You see the world has tricked you into thinking that only those without stuff are poor. But the poor that I see in these people is far greater then the obvious “poor”. They are lost, living outside of any moral code. Maybe they know of love but you do not see love when you look into their eyes. A kind word would be asking far too much from them because after all they are “busy”. To sit and have a conversation with someone you do not know would be considered weird, so forget about sharing what is going on in your life and making a new friend. It is simply heart breaking. That people have become so consumed with stuff that they are too “busy” for real deep relationship. They work, not because they love what they do but mostly because they need money so they can have more stuff. The purpose in life is to discover your gift. The meaning of life is to give that gift away. Nowhere in that, the purpose or meaning, does it say work a lot so you can have “stuff”. Relationships flourish when someone is living their life to give away their gift but they wither away when you keep your gift to yourself. I am not saying that all people with stuff are poor in spirit or that all of those with out are full of love but what I am saying is that poverty is much more then the one definition the world gives it. Poverty of the soul is far greater than poverty of stuff. So choose to be rich in the spirit. To love all those who enter your life and those you come in contact with each day. Build relationships, even if with complete strangers. Take the time to invest in those around you instead of the next biggest stock. When you pass from this life to the next you cannot take your stuff or job with you but the love you leave behind will always remain. 

Pure Joy

It doesn't come from the new shoes I just bought or all of the cloths in my closet. It doesn't even come from all of the amazing friends I have or my wonderful family. The warmth of my favorite cup of coffee as it hits my lips or gazing out of the window as I sit at my favorite coffee shop. The rain hits the sidewalk. simplicity. a form of happiness comes from these things.  of coarse laughter, as well as wonderful memories. and I would even say, that yes, some joy comes from those you love. the important thing to know is that these things can only bring you a certain level of happiness. a level that will sometimes disappoint, sometimes anger you, and sometimes leave you empty. these things can only add to the joy that you possess inside of you, they cannot BE the joy that is within you. like mostly everything in this fallen world,  joy to can be taken from you. we lose loved ones,  jobs, we are hurt, and left heart broken. the world tries to steal what the world has given you. If you rely on the world as your source of happiness there is no doubt that you will be left dry and hallow. the amazing thing is, is that there is a source of joy that will never leave your heart. It doesn't come from "stuff" or even others in your life, it comes from him. The one who created you. The King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. This joy that he gives is the purest of joys. It is the only joy that will sustain your happiness. makes you giggle for no reason other then simply knowing you belong to him. gives you a hope that pushes you to take one more step forward when the world is caving in on you. this joy allows you to love deeper. it allows you to forgive and let go of the baggage the world has cast onto your shoulders. this joy that God gives us is something we must seek after. it is something we must desperately long for. in a world of devastation and hurt, it is crucial to fight for this joy. once we have it we MUST share it. happiness is only a feeling. it can be momentarily. but the joy of the Lord lives within your soul. seek it, capture it, and share it. allow his joy to fulfill you in a way you have never been fulfilled and let the world know where your smile comes from. from the knowing that your heart is full of him. you will never be disappointed.

allow this joy this live within. once you have it find joy in the little things around you. for me I find joy in being in a place of poverty and brokenness yet being surrounded by people who love harder then most. in having a job where i get to watch and encourage spiritual growth. in the laughter of a child who has nothing but the love of his family. he smiles the purest smile and laughs the most beautiful laugh. i find joy in knowing that while i may not have a lot I can still give to those around me. I can love everyone in my life with a deep passionate love. I find joy in the fact that I have no bitterness and carry no baggage because my father carries it for me. I find joy in knowing that I am never alone for my creator walks hand in hand with me as I go through this journey of life. 

Agape

love is patient and kind. love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. it does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and enduresevery circumstance.
1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7

This is real love. The way that God loves us. Its Agape. Never failing, never judging, never ending unconditional love. This is the love that we should all strive for. yes we are human and we will never be perfect, but its the journey in finding this love that is important. We want what makes us feel good for the moment, even if we know it will not satisfy our real needs and it is settling for that moment of happiness that ultimatley clouds our perspective of real love. We lose sight of the love that God intended us to have because we want to feel important and we want to be comforted by someone else. Everyone wants to be wanted and in this process of being wanted we make excuses and alter the meaning and real defintion of Love. AGAPE LOVE. Do not settle for the moment, strive for everlasting love. The kind of love God gives us ♥ 

deeper than beauty

A day in the life of a girl, who on the surface looks like she’s got it all together.

People assume her life is great, after all they find her beautiful.

That’s the thing about looking at only the surface of things, beauty is deceiving.

One looks at a beautiful mountain and stands in awe of its greatness

Because on the surface it is captivating.

But if you were to visit that mountain, spend some time on that mountain

You see the huge fault that lays at its foundation.

From the surface, yes this mountain is beautiful.

It is strong and full of life

But underneath its foundation waits for the earth to shift,

moving the plates and creating destruction.

You see while this mountain is beautiful, it is broken.

Just as that mountain, is the girl.

When you see a beautiful girl, don’t assume she that has it all together

Because you never know the brokenness that her beauty hides. 

What Does A Great Life Look Like?

Ask a hundred people what a great life looks like and you will probably get a hundred different answers. But certain answers will virtually make everyones list. Most people would say, for example, that a great life includes something worth living for, perhaps even something worth dying for. A portion of a great life would be devoted to something bigger, greater, grander than your self. Something that inspires you, energizes you. Something that pushes you forward. Something that responds to your unique talent or touch and ultimately makes a difference in the world around you. You may ask, "so what does a great life really look like and how can I live a great life"? We look back in history and when we think of people who lived great lives we think of people like Martin Luther King jr., John F. Kennedy, Amelia Earhart, Billy Graham, Rosa Parks, or Mother Theresa. All of these people have something in common. They did not live their lives standing still. They live in forward MOTION. They were inspired by something and they allowed that inspiration to drive them to do something greater then themselves. They believed. In their causes, in their passions, in others, in the world around them but most importantly they believed in themselves. They served others in the world around them. Martin Luther King Jr. once said that everybody can be great because everybody can serve. He said that you do not have to have a college degree to serve, you do not have to make your subject and verb agree to serve, you do not have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You only need a heart full of grace and a soul generated by love and you can be that servant. That is a new definition of GREATNESS.

Be inspired and inspire others. Believe in the world around you and believe in yourself. Serve every chance you get and do all of these things in LOVE.

Love what you are doing. Love those around you because LOVE is the GREATEST gift we have been given. Don't be afraid to give it away.

Inspire. Believe. Serve. & LOVE

Someone once told me that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you figure out why you were born. When you figure out why you were born choose to live for your purpose and for nothing else. Make your purpose GREAT.

Live your life in a forward motion. These things will bring more meaning to your life. A great life would naturally bring more meaning, purpose, love, laughter, wonder, and adventure to your days and at the end of your journey you will look back on a life of significance rather than a life of regret. Knowing in your heart that YOU left the world a better place then you found it. Knowing that you got something wonderful out of it and in return gave something WONDERFUL back. A great life is not something you experience, it is something you CREATE.

CREAT SOMETHING GREAT. SOMETHING WONDERFUL.

to judge a man is to assume but to know his heart is to love

there he is again. that man on the corner. everyday he stands there begging to wash your windows just to make a few cents. as you pull up closer to him you look down at your radio, pretending to change the station. you would do anything just to avoid eye contact. its easier that way, isn't it? to avoid it, even though he knows that you see him. if you don't make eye contact you don't have to see the pain that hides behind his eyes and that for you is much easier. you know you should role down your window, but its easier not to. to go on with your busy day having no recollection of the stand still moment you had earlier with a complete stranger.
there he is again. sitting next to the gas station. his cloths are covered with dirt and he hasn't showerd in months. he sits and smokes his cigarette with a brown bag next to him. as you walk by he says God bless. nothing more or nothing less and to you this seems odd. it simple holds no meaning because what does this bum know about God. you say, u too but you don't mean it and you walk in and out of the store and continue your busy day.
behind your desk, he walks in. he simply needs health insurance but you deny him. you see his tattoos and piercings and you assume. as he begins to tell you his story you see his rotting teeth and your mind goes to a different place, no longer listening to anything he is telling you. you tell him your sorry you can't help him but your really not. and as he walks away you think negative thoughts because of the assumptions you have made by nearly looking at him.

ASSUME: to take for granted or with out proof.

that is what you do. its easy to just assume that all people are alike. that this man is the way he is because he is choosing it. we all have the right to choice the life we live after all, right? so you don't feel sorry and you don't even really care. You have your problems too, we all do. so you keep to your self and you live a life of assumptions.

the sad thing is, is that this is how most peoples lives are. they assume and don't care to know anything more or anything less. the truth is, is that man you drove passed just lost his wife of 10 years and his 5 children are no longer a part of his life. he has nothing and is so broken inside that he doesn't know how to get out. his family won't help him and does not even care to know why he is the way that he is. every night he sleeps in an abandoned car and cries himself to sleep, wishing someone would just care enough to love him. but no body does. they are all so busy with themselves they have abandoned their own blood.       if you were to open his wallet you wouldn't find any money or credit cards, only a simple note with the name of his mother and her number on the front and on the other side the words, I am sorry, I love you. a note to be found just incase he was found dead. but you would never know any of that because for you it was uncomfortable to sit next down next to him and have a conversation. you assumed and went about your busy day. when he said God bless, he really meant it. a graduate of teen challenge, he took his daughter to church when she was a child, giving her the foundation she needed to be different. he knew who God was and knew that because of his father he was still alive today. Isaiah 26:3 was the verse that carried him through his hard times. "You will keep in peace, those whose minds are steadfast; because they trust in you." unlike you he really wants God to bless you, even though he is the one who so badly needs the blessing. the second you layer eyes on him that day in the insurance office, you had decided this man was worthless and didn't deserve insurance. what you didn't know is that that man is dying. He has cancer and no money. I bet you didn't know that this man was clean for 3 years before this, even helped his daughter get through college and his mother as she endured painful surgeries and stayed by her side for months while she was hospitalized. that is why he had no job.  he was a great example to those in his 12 step group, and was an even better friend. Giving is to small of a word to describe this mans heart. sacrifice is more like it. a kind and gentle heart this man loved with everything in him. but you wouldn't that, would you? yes like every other human he has his flaws, but unlike most he is aware of them and works on becoming a better person everyday. despite the ridicule and pain he has endured he still chooses to love. but you do not see that. when you look at him you are afraid, you would never hug someone like that. those hugs are some of the greatest hugs I have ever received. despite his brokeness, he loves anyways. hurt by many he still longs for relationship. he's human. he needs to be loved too. he laughs even though he has more to cry about than he does to smile about and he faces everyday with a positive attitude, thanking God for one more day, one more chance to be better. I thank God too.
 missing my father as a child, i didn't understand the struggles of the world. addiction is not a choice it is a sickness, it destroys your concept of reality and prevents you from making right decisions. he may have choose the drug but didn't choose to be trapped in a life of sickness. thats okay because through the King this man has been set free. To let go of this past that entangles him and just be free. to love those in his life and to make the best out of each day. I am thankful for my King. for the grace and mercy he pours out upon the lost and broken.  a steadfast mind, focused on God, that man has been given peace that passes all understanding. to know who he belongs to is more satisfying than knowing that he will wake up tomorrow.


We have all been given a story. We've lived lives that most people would never know about unless they listened. The power of a story can change more than just a perception, it can change the world. so next time you see that man will listen to his story, or will you assume and just walk on by? My hope and prayer is that you will stop. give people a chance to tell you their story because you never know, it could forever change yours.

Who am I?

Who am i? A question that I ask my self. Not who I was because I know that answer and not who I will
be because that is something I have yet to see, but who am I? in this moment, at this time. taking off the blind fold and revealing myself to myself. I wish I could see myself from someone else's view but I can't. so i am stuck searching and digging and trying to find this person that I call me. You see, I know who I once was and that has contributed to what you see, but that girl I once was ins't me, isn't who I want to be. Broken and scared that girl would so just about anything so someone would care. love is what she longed for but more broken is what she became. Misguided and mislead by the ways of the world that girl got lost. so lost that who she was didn't matter anymore because people saw her for who they wanted her to be. An item and an object is what she became but not by boys as though you might think, but by the ones who were supposed to love her the most, her parents. And this part of her life shaped the woman that she thought she would be, until she came across a love that was so deep. So real she could not ignore it, so alive she had to enforce it. This love was real, everlasting. Something she never thought she would feel and this man that gave this to her wasn't a man at all. He was her savior, her King and it was in him that she found who she was suppose to be. That scared, lost little girl  is not the woman God intended me to be. FREE is what he had for me! so now when i ask this question I may not know the whole answer but what I do know is that who I am is centered in who he was. He lives in me, and me for him. so who am I? I am a child of God. A beautiful daughter of the king. And I am free because I am his, and that is all I want to be.

Rejected with a purpose

Confusion. misguided.
Jesus lived a life of suffering. he went through pain yet he endured life with patients and an indescribable love. he was rejected and cursed. people constantly gossiped about him. I cannot imagine the things he felt inside. REJECTION. the single most worst feeling. this is something that everyone is capable of feeling and this feeling tears your self worth apart. why is it that we as humans long so badly to be accepted? and how did Jesus go through a life of rejection and still love and trust?

I know that when I begin to feel the pain of rejection I instantly put a wall up. My self worth becomes non existent and my mind begins to play tricks on me. I go from thinking I am a burden to believing I am unlovable. that no one in their right mind would ever truly want to have a relationship with me. I begin to feel unworthy of friendship, of relationships, of companionship. Not good enough doesn't even begin to describe the image I see of myself. The wall is up and there is nothing I can do to take it down. I become numb, having no desire to invest in relationship. My mind tells me, if I am unlovable then I do not want to waste my time giving my love away.

REJECTION = PAIN.

Pain from feeling worthless. How did Jesus go through his life feeling this pain without feeling worthless?
He had a purpose. Did he know his purpose? or did he choose to suffer because he knew God was in control and that whatever his purpose was it was worth the pain and suffering.

TRUST.

God has a purpose for my life but one question remains. Why must we endure pain? Why must we suffer?

Fear consumes me and I struggle and fight against this constant feeling of rejection. Tired of feeling insignificant in relationships. I long to be wanted. To really feel love and not for any specific reason. Not for what I have to offer or because of what I give. A desire to be consumed in love because of who I am. to tear down this wall that rejection has put up and to be able to invest in relationships.

God designed us for relationships.
Selfless, loving, relationships.

EQUAL.

That is how it is suppose to be. The elimination is something I can only dream of. My desire is to live as Jesus did, To endure life knowing I have a purpose, even if i do not know what that purpose is. To LOVE because Christ loves me. To be bold and stare rejection in the face knowing that I belong to the King of the universe. to take my pain and turn it into joy. to suffer for the things I believe in. To build lasting relationships with no expectations and to accept that no one is perfect but I AM worthy of friendship.

Rejection = pain = trust = worthy = purpose

LIVE A LIFE OF PURPOSE

the next step

The next step. Three words that I have playing over and over in my head. I ask myself, what is that next step. Am I supposed to know? Should I have a plan? My next step is a step into the unknown. Into the light of accomplishment and success but into the dark of the unknown. Possibilities or dead ends. Opportunities or closed doors. I cannot see what lies before so I must trust what lies within. Blind folded to what may come I must take hold of my saviors hand, for he is my tour guide of life. This path or that path, my mind races with decisions. My choice is not a direction, yet a choice. Today I my life belongs to the Lord. Where the Lord takes me is his choice, he leads and I will follow. With no plans and a blind-fold enabling my sight, I step forward, not into the dark, but into the light. 

Dead or Alive: How do you know?

What does it mean to feel alive? As I spin in circles, splashing in the waves, I notice peoples

eyes watching. For them I am childish, for me I am alive. To breath is some thing we take for

granted. Without effort, we breathe and while this is a sign of life, for most it does not give the feeling of being alive. We see life arise all around us and yet for most this does not create a feeling of liveliness. We touch the earth, which has been alive for centuries and still cannot grasp this concept of life. We hear stories of birth and rebirth but hearing with out seeing only leaves thoughts in our minds of what life is. The moment I felt alive was the moment I felt him. Overwhelmed with the spirit, I felt alive for the first time. Breathe, he told me. And as I took that breath I felt alive in a way I never thought possibly. Dead to the world, I was now alive in him. Breath has a new meaning to me. So does sight, taste, touch, hearing, and smelling. As I stand in the ocean I see a beautiful master piece, I feel rejuvenated as the water hits my legs, I smell sea salt as the wind blows off the top of the water. The salty air sticks to my lip gloss and leaves a lingering taste of the sea. I hear the waves crashing on the sand and I breath because I know what it feels like to be alive.